a rainy day

2012-01-23T22:38:00.003-05:00

I just took a hot shower, and I feel much better now.
The tears they just came, on my way back and in my room.
I prayed to Him that if He knows the reason for my sadness,
please save me

Please save me, Father.

....................................................

"Why do it if you're not having fun?"

2012-01-23T22:37:00.001-05:00

....................................................

2011-12-20T16:19:00.002-05:00

On my bed now, light dimming in the room. Sun sets at 4:14pm in december boston. My room is a mess. I'm going to clean it up, brighten it up, make it nice and beautiful this winter break. I'm also going to get better at grasshopper. I'm also going to try and become a better person. I'm also going to straighten up my life.I'm going to gather all the pieces of these four months since I came and put them together again.

At my desk now. The sun has set. The room is dark. My lights came on. I don't like to go out and about after the sun has set. I'm a sunlight person. I feel like a hibernating creature.

I'm going to straighten up my life. And it's going to start from my room. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next, but it will happen. It's a total mess now. It will happen.

I will buy a bright, colourful rug. It will brighten up the room.

~整個冬天在你家門~

....................................................

like clay

2011-12-11T23:48:00.002-05:00

He saves me

as I lay broken

like pieces of clay

....................................................

every single mistake

magnifies itself

such that it ends my world

and stops time

it cuts my wrists

it tears me open and

it ends my world

as i lay broken

He saves me

He saves me

I need to see

I need to be strong

and see

that it is not the end

that the sun shines tomorrow

and He will hold my hand

执着

2011-12-11T23:13:00.004-05:00

I'm not going to give up

I'm going to go on

Please help me, Father

....................................................

He saves me everyday, from the Devil
And I can feel the darkness
so close
I long for His hand

2011-12-08T21:21:00.002-05:00

The one advantage of walking home at 4am:

No one on the streets to see tears streaming down your face

....................................................

难过

2011-11-28T20:12:00.003-05:00

哭

像镇定剂

每晚

还需要多久

哪一天，心不再难过

....................................................

我把梦告诉了你
脸上的表情我读不明白

夜太黑太冷
等待早晨

神さま
请给我多一次机会
每一天
多一次机会
请你救我
我迷失方向
迷失方向

真的，真的好伤心

2011-11-27T01:22:00.002-05:00

I bumped into a couple of girls from the third floor while brushing my teeth... and it really cheered me up... they are so nice, and that one girl is so bubbly and cute, we talked about horoscopes and stuff, and she said I'm so 多愁善感, so I probably have a hidden Pisces, etc etc. I'm happy for now. We kept laughing too.

I'm a strong and independent woman. But I can't help it that it gets hard at night. I'll allow that one weakness for now. I'll forgive myself for that. I'll work hard in the morning, tomorrow. I'll do my best.

I cried so hard earlier, on my floor in my room. I actually had mascara on today, and it ran. I bought nail polish yesterday too. Maybe I'll wear a t-shirt tomorrow. I'm getting more and more honest, telling people how I feel.

I visited the Fine Arts Museum to look for inspiration, it was free for Harvard students. I was surprised. That's good. I found this courtyard, the garden. It's so beautiful. It might be my favourite place. When you look up, it's the blue-ness, and criss-crossed with fading white lines. And the albatross circling. きっとシミュレーションと思った。 The birds were chirping and diving. I found inspiration.

I looked but I couldn't find. I couldn't. But I won't give up. I love You. I hold on to You. You are the only one keeping me alive. I scrape through the night. I will be strong in You. In You.

....................................................

2011-11-26T01:57:00.000-05:00

Father, please be with me...

Thank You so much...

....................................................

2011-11-24T16:06:00.002-05:00

It's ok, one doesn't have to be sad

one can have a mind like a clean slate

one can be like the little yellow flower

one can live and breathe and smile

one can look forward to tomorrow's sun

....................................................

They meet at 25°

2011-11-12T22:42:00.001-05:00

and then they part

....................................................

じゃ、また

broken

2011-11-09T21:37:00.001-05:00

i've gone from vacuous to broken

i don't even know how to go on.

i'll go to sleep now

when the morning comes, i'll wind up like a machine, wind up like a machine

I'll go on

Please save me, Father.

....................................................

Vacuous

2011-11-07T21:22:00.002-05:00

You know how Naoko spent her time in the wig factory,
making wigs
day in and day out
in Norwegian Wood

I am essentially a wig girl.
You know?
But here I am, pretending to be

-

....................................................

2011-11-06T21:18:00.001-05:00

I'll just take it like

it's a miracle I'm still alive

and it is

it is

....................................................

Morning, please

2011-11-06T20:56:00.002-05:00

Because I am so cold

and shivering so hard

....................................................

Father,

When will I be forgiven... when will I find forgiveness,

Father?

But it's too late, I told Phi yesterday.

2011-10-31T21:24:00.005-04:00

1. The world is everything that is the case.

2. What is the case (a fact) is the existence of states of affairs.

3. A logical picture of facts is a thought.

4. A thought is a proposition with sense.

5. A proposition is a truth-function of elementary propositions.

6. The general form of a proposition is the general form of a truth function, which is: [, , N()].

7. Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.

I remembered when the Tractatus made so much sense to me. I thought that he understood everything. That was some years ago. I changed so much. But I still think it is brilliant.

Recently, I think more and more that philosophy is like a dog chasing its own tail. But I still think it was brilliant.

But I don't want to be a philosopher, Wittgenstein.

I don't care about things like that anymore.

I just want to be happy.
....................................................

2011-10-31T19:31:00.003-04:00

HimAWArI

歌：安室奈美恵作詞：小室哲哉作曲：小室哲哉

せめて昨日よりも
救ってちょっとだけ
愛とかじゃなくていい
ぬくもりだけでいい

はじめて1人で住みだした
この部屋　いろいろ通りすぎていった
ひまわりが似合う日ざし
いつからか　カーテン閉じたままの暗闇

写真も電話も何もかも
まっ白に塗りつぶせたなら
ノックする人も変わるかな
誰とも　見ず知らずになるかな

どんな夢が似合ってたかな？
どこに行けば　夢かなうかな？
この気持ちは　北風に舞う
枯葉とともに　冬をさまよう

去年の冬はまだ　寂しさがほんとうに
こんなに　こわくなくて
強がって　いられた

あなたは　ひまわりのよう
夏の陽に　空へ向かって
手をひろげた　笑顔一番すてきだから

この場所のままじゃ　寂しすぎ
この街のにおい　しみついて
やさしさに　出会えたこともある
やさしさを　あげたこともある

この場所から　離れられない
もうどれくらい　同じ道のり
歩いた　だけどむなしすぎる
教えて　誰か　優しいベッド

....................................................

I feel really broken tonight

But don't take my words seriously

because I'll still smile when I meet you

and I'll still watch the rain fall on the bathroom floor

"I would walk through a tunnel of fire"

2011-10-18T21:42:00.003-04:00

明日になったら

もう大丈夫

うれしいなら笑って

悲しいならそのままで

それだけでいいんかな

かみさま、わたしのこと、すくってください
こんなわたしですけど
ゆるしてください

Thank You, Father

....................................................

きめたこと

2011-10-17T22:27:00.003-04:00

もう大丈夫

明日になったら、あなたに会えると

うれしくなって

もう装わない

もう隠さない

....................................................

it's the darkness in people's hearts

2011-10-04T22:29:00.002-04:00

sketch october 4, 2011

But who cares about these things, George?

"If you're happy inside yourself-"

Yes, George, I agree.

But I'm not happy. I am fucking sad, and I wish I wasn't. That's all.

I wish, I wasn't such an empty shell. That's all.

Goodbye?

Can I say goodbye and not care about anything anymore? And really be a seashell.

Do seashells cry? Do seashells cry?

Somewhere, some time

Where? There's a time limit, the clock is ticking

To where? The hidden-ness

In You

Anchor in You

In You

All the tears, everything
....................................................

2011-10-01T01:32:00.002-04:00

My dorm mates saved my Friday night again. Ah, I really appreciate it so much. I was really depressed after dinner, because I felt incredibly lonely, and tired. I was about to give up and bathe and sleep, then I ran into them in the hallway and ended up watching a tabletennis match in the basement, and playing random games like naming countries that start with A.

I'm gonna sleep now.

Thank You, Father.

....................................................

2011-09-22T12:29:00.001-04:00

I lost my watch.

Things come and go, i guess.

Shall not be too sad.

I'll anchor in You

2011-09-17T21:34:00.001-04:00

....................................................

I've decided to be sincere

2011-09-16T22:29:00.002-04:00

It's so hard, but it's maybe better this way

Every Friday, I think - what have I done wrong?

Why do I feel the same way every Friday. Every night culminates in Friday. Night. It's the end of the world.

I listened to Luna Sea's "I For You" on the way to school... And Zigzo's Himawari.

I'm going to sleep now. It's been a hard week. Work is hard and intense, but that's not all of it. Maybe it even helped, I would have been even emptier without this. I'm always like this at night. Tomorrow morning, all will be well.

I'm not going to feel guilty for talking like this at 25. So what if I still feel this way? You are not me and I am not you. Who knows. Ah, I like Faye Wong's songs. I'm

I don't know what to do. I will be sincere. Starting from tomorrow. Give me another chance, Father. The ten thousandth chance. The ten thousandth and one chance. One day I will get it... get to that place where it's ok. It's ok.

....................................................

Unsent

2011-09-13T01:00:00.002-04:00

Hey,

中秋节快乐! It's today right? Wish I have mooncakes.

How's everything going?

Sometimes I feel like it's going well and then the next moment it goes downhill. It's really tiring. Do you think it will ever end?

Sometimes I feel ok, then the next moment I feel like the world is ending.

Sometimes I feel ok, then it all ends.

Do you think it will ever end?

其实我真的有点寂寞

有时候，有点伤心

特别是在晚上

最近喜欢听王菲的歌

尤其是林夕作的词

每句都说出我的心

好伤心

....................................................

2011-09-12T16:11:00.001-04:00

My life is about as interesting as a seashell right now

One day

2011-09-12T00:34:00.001-04:00

大丈夫さ

明日になったら

元気になるさ

....................................................

Build me an airtight submarine

2011-09-10T23:42:00.001-04:00

Until morning comes and gives me a second chance

every morning, a second chance

every day, to live, to make good

sometimes I fail

sometimes

One day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow

Someday,

Some time

....................................................

You have to meet me halfway

2011-09-10T02:08:00.001-04:00

そうだよね

....................................................

It's important to enjoy what you're doing

2011-09-08T11:52:00.001-04:00

Just heard someone talking about 'being inside a seashell'

it's important to be happy

2011-09-07T01:35:00.002-04:00

心如刀割

最近，太多太多

....................................................

it's going to be ok (version summer '11)

2011-09-03T17:46:00.005-04:00

I went shopping earlier!! Had sushi for lunch!! Both made me really happy...

it was such a crazy bad day and an even worse night yesterday

I am so weak, but He led me through the night...

and when the sun shone this morning all is ok again...

I bought earrings! and a yellow tea pot!! Bright buttery yellow, really cheers me up! And a plate with daisy prints! And pretty buttons! All things which I don't really need... but makes me happy haha

That's it... I'm back to my old habits... guilty shopping... I passed by this guy painting a shop sign earlier, and when I was watching the guy behind the sushi bar making sushi, I had this feeling... people are actually working for a living. What am I doing? I have to work hard too. And I am going to do it. It's no use feeling bad about the situation now... I am going to do my best. Alright, this is optimism for today. Keep it in my back pockets for a rainy day.

....................................................

He told me not to carry a stone on my back

2011-09-01T16:50:00.002-04:00

and that it is not the size of one's house but the size of one's heart

....................................................

watching rain

2011-08-28T23:39:00.001-04:00

a hurricane came and left

....................................................

2011-08-27T19:54:00.002-04:00

One day,

maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow

but one day

I will be happy

....................................................

That night, I really wondered, what the hell have I done. Why have I done this.

I really cried. I didn't think it would be this hard.

It's not easy to be alone, and I thought I could do it so well.

But it is time to sit up and be strong and tough. I don't know where I'm going, but sure it rained and rained but who knows what happens some day.

I don't know, but maybe, I will be happy someday.

2011-08-27T18:18:00.001-04:00

哭过了

算了

....................................................

a rainy day

2011-08-27T16:13:00.000-04:00

I'm always right on the edge...

it is hard

....................................................

2011-08-21T18:58:00.007-04:00

Oh, I forgot to mention, the hall I stay in is designed by Walter Gropius. Haha, I quite like the stair well.

Check out the handrail! Classic can.

....................................................

2011-08-21T17:05:00.002-04:00

Ah!! Immediately after I wrote about my dorm mates being lukewarm around here, the one opposite my room moved in and I met her when I went out to go to the bathroom just now, and she's really great!! She's a real human being. From egypt but seems like she's been here for some time. She's from the Kennedy School doing Public Policy. Figures! Great people do people stuff. Ok, I'm just lonely now.

Ok, anyway, time to get down to the room, man. It Is Time. Things will work out.

....................................................

Somebody give me a prize for disorganization already. Also known as: What makes you think it's ok to live like this?

2011-08-21T15:40:00.004-04:00

I will clean up and organize my room, I promise. Today.

Things are strewn all around, my luggages are unpacked, shopping bags all around.

Ah but I bought headphones today, really happy with them. Because I would like to get speakers but they're too expensive.

When will I stop living like a student? When will I stop being a student?

Ah, but today I was asked for proof of age for liquor. Yes! That made me happy. Once, I was afraid of looking young. Those days are over. Now is the battle against time.

On Saturday, my hosts picked me up at Logan airport. They were great, if they hadn't got the sheets and blankets for me, I would have just slept on the bare mattress cos I was so out from the flight. It was about 21 hours, 14 from Singapore to London, 7 from London to Boston. 5 hours transit at Heathrow. Which was shitty, because they did not even have water coolers in the waiting area. When will I leave the zero income category of human beings?

They drove me to my dorm. Yes! Cab money saved. Sheets money saved. Oh gosh, I should stop thinking about the money part, but I can't help it... They took me shopping for necessities today, and I spent a lot... like a lot. Why can't I just get the Hershey's cocoa powder? Why must I get i-can't-even-remember-the-brand-name because it's supposed to be better? Why am I such a sucker for quality, when I am negative credit, big time negative credit?

But at least all the stuff I got today are necessities. They are!! Including the Hello Kitty indoor slippers.

Shit, all the stuff in my room... oh, and my big left toe is swollen, must have been yesterday when I was cutting the nail and something went wrong. Sigh.

Argh I hate it when the floor is carpeted. I don't know how to deal with carpets. Everything is really... I mean the cabinets are made of wood. Ok, that's not what I meant.

It's the first time I had people take me around and stuff when I go to a new place... it feels nice. I was a little worried, because sometimes I'm not so good with people... but they're really nice. I hope they got past my weirdness and saw into my inner soul.

My dorm mates are... I don't know man. There're two Indian girls also from GSD (but not architecture), but they don't seem particularly eager to make friends. Neither do the rest of them. Either I'm the only friendly person around here or nobody gets past my weirdness and sees into my inner soul.

I miss my Nottingham dorm mates. Jiyeon and Queenie! :[

Or maybe making friends is not on the to-do list for grown-ups. Oh well, I don't really care, I guess. I have more important things on my agenda of course. Like making radical designs. Of course.

When I reached my dorm on Saturday, really burned out from the flight and the talking with people I just met since even though I appear to be quite friendly I am in fact really really... not good at it, yea when I arrived, plonked down on my bed with the nice puffy purple blanket, oh and I got a phone straightaway, from radioshack. Oh well, it's not bad. I took to it straightaway. We spent an awful long time in the shop though, I think that's the standard here. People don't really go out of their way to move things along. I guess I don't mind, but I was so tired yesterday, and felt bad and awkward because my hosts were just standing around waiting for me to be done, anyway so I plonked down on my bed, and it hit me, I mean it really hit me, like what the fuck am I doing? Why am I here? But it was just for that moment. It's all good now. And you know, every time I take a flight I'll think that it's really wonderful that I survived, and am living, and so I have to make full use of my time, and make good. I'll do my best here. That I'll promise. I can't say that everything's going to go well. But I'll do my best. That's all.

Ok, I also promise to start straightening up my room. Ok. Because people don't live like this. People don't perform complicated maneuvers over a rugged terrain to get from their desk to their door. Even though I have plenty of experience I would like to leave this lifestyle behind and start anew.

Goodbye then.

The old guy outside CVS told me I was very pretty, I wished it was because he had soul-penetrating vision but it was probably because I gave him spare change. Then I was walking around a bit and bought some stuff from the Broadway market. The cashier is cute! And really nice. Actually, I think I think he's cute because he was really nice, he offered to carry my basket all the way back to the shelves because I forgot to get something. That made my day! I am such a sucker.

That's all.

Oh, I had a HUGE lunch today, sashimi with rice and miso and all, in Watertown. My hosts bought and you know how happy that made me. Haha, well I'm half joking because this time I really think I enjoyed it, they are so nice. I like them very much. The sashimi pieces are huge. Like really huge. I think I can skip dinner tonight. I ate bread slices last night for dinner. I can't believe I'm gonna start all that cooking stuff again, like in Japan and New York. Ok, maybe not so much since weekday dinners are provided. But I bought rice and pans and plates and stuff today.

Ok, that's really all. Time to get my room decent. I even bought a small vacuum cleaner.

なんとかなるさ

....................................................

2011-08-16T06:26:00.002-04:00

You know, going is going...

but packing is another thing altogether.

Sigh.

It's not only such a chore...

but it makes one so fucking sad.

....................................................

2011-08-15T23:23:00.002-04:00

今天睡醒有点冷

でも見上げたら、青空

きっと大丈夫さ:)

....................................................

がんばれ、少女

2011-08-14T00:17:00.005-04:00

When I was at the water fountain in bugis yesterday, feeling stoned... waiting for people... I was watching a little girl... she stood somewhere near the edge, and seemed a little scared to go in...

and i thought...

行け、「しょうじょ」
知らない国へ行け
悪い事もあっても
きっと良い事があるよ
いつか幸せになる

....................................................

These past couple of weeks, I've really come to realize how lucky I am to have friends. I always took friends for granted... and I always thought I could let everything go and be independent and alone and not miss a thing. But there was one night, I suddenly felt really sad. Sometimes, I still think I don't understand anything. But, it makes it that much better, even by that little bit... when I know that I have people who stick by me, who I can think about when I feel lonely, who accept everything about me... It's the next best thing to love I guess. Haha. After a long time of not meeting anyone... I've been out almost everyday, and I feel almost ok.

I can't guarantee this optimism will last... but it's here today. At least it was here when I started this post. Though now I feel a little sad again for some reason. Well, all will be good... I'll look for the sun again.

To The Dancers In The Rain

2011-07-02T08:59:00.002-04:00

Just a sunny day in Paris

please give it back to me

- Émilie Simon

....................................................

It's alright

2011-06-16T00:20:00.005-04:00

You see, man

Time, it flows

it slips

it rolls

the clock ticks

it's gone

it's come

You see, man

It happens

It always happens

You're not the same

and neither am I

See, man

I don't know why but

There are tears in my eyes

"Found the note down in your car
You climbed up here to fall apart"

I'll go out flying

....................................................

De Profundis

2011-04-29T09:50:00.003-04:00

Why are there mirrors for our souls,

and where is Oscar Wilde now,

Father?

....................................................

如風

2011-04-08T12:19:00.002-04:00

歌：王菲曲：張宇詞：林振強

有一個人曾讓我知道
寄生於世上原是那麼好
他的一雙臂彎
令我沒苦惱　他使我自豪

我跟那人曾互勉傾訴
也跟他笑望　長夜變清早
可惜他必須要走
剩我共身影　長夜裏擁抱

來又如風　離又如風
或世事通通不過是場夢
人在途中　人在時空
相識也許不過擦過夢中

來又如風　去亦匆匆
或我亦不應再這般心痛
但我不過是人非夢
總有些真笑　亦有真痛

有一個人曾讓我知道
寄生於世上原是那麼好
可惜他必須要走
剩我共身影　長夜裏擁抱

讓我心痛　獨迎空洞
今天暖風吹過亦有點凍

....................................................

『ガラスの仮面』

2010-10-06T08:12:00.002-04:00

「マヤ、才能とは自分を、自分自身を信じることです

他の誰もできなくても、あなたにならできる

そうよ

あなたになぁ」

「歩こう
ここまで歩いて来たんだから」

「私は何があっても
自分を信じて
一歩一歩階段を上っていくだけ」

....................................................

2010-09-28T04:10:00.005-04:00

....................................................

瞳をすますと

2010-09-04T02:50:00.003-04:00

いばらの道

....................................................

2010-08-29T23:46:00.005-04:00

Most important of all are the pauses.

- Tanizaki Junichiro

....................................................

2010-08-27T02:10:00.003-04:00

記憶は美しいと思うけど

記憶に戻れない

戻りたくない

もっと美しい明日へ歩きたい

歩き続けたい

理由も知らない

何も知らない

ただ

....................................................

2010-08-25T08:56:00.001-04:00

....................................................

Does the stingray think about the meaning of its existence as it glides over the soft-shell crabs?

2010-08-02T01:39:00.005-04:00

晏殊《蝶恋花》
槛菊愁烟兰泣露,罗幕轻寒,燕子双飞去。明月不谙离恨苦,斜光到晓穿朱户。
昨夜西风凋碧树,独上高楼,望尽天涯路。欲寄彩笼兼尺素,山长水阔知何处!

柳永《蝶恋花》
伫倚危楼风细细,望极春愁,黯黯生天际。草色烟光残照里,无言谁会凭阑意。
拟把疏狂图一醉,对酒当歌,强乐还无味。衣带渐宽终不悔,为伊消得人憔悴。

辛弃疾《青玉案》
东风夜放花千树,更吹落、星如雨。宝马雕车香满路。凤萧声动,玉壶光转,一夜鱼龙舞。
峨儿雪柳黄金缕,笑语盈盈暗香去。众里寻他千百度,蓦然回首,那人却在,灯火阑珊处。

....................................................

王国维《人间词话》
古今之成大事业、大学问者，必经过三种之境界：‘昨夜西风凋碧树。独上高楼，望尽天涯路’。此第一境也。‘衣带渐宽终不悔，为伊消得人憔悴。’此第二境也。‘众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在，灯火阑珊处’。此第三境也。

「思い出作り」

2010-07-30T09:57:00.005-04:00

I made some memories…

Here and there

In the dim light of the evening

Softly

Golden rays bouncing off darkly glazed ceramics

Giant spiders passing over the temple’s entrance

Warm red light

The sea breeze

Rice on the floor

Empty glass bottles

On the train, from here to there

The grand old man

Sat next to me

On the high seat

I held out my ticket

And they laughed good-naturedly

Darkness

Slowly

Light

Blue light

Red bean bun

Warm tea

The river

The barge

The thunderous overhead rail

The wind turned my umbrella inside out

My pink umbrella

“Come in from the rain, Ma’am. You’re getting all wet.”

....................................................

Memories |2501|02|

2010-07-24T04:41:00.004-04:00

Mottled grey concrete floor. The smell of summer. Glue. Foam. Cardboard. Spray. Abandoned penknives. Discarded black blades in inverted modified pet bottles. Steel rulers and green resin mats.

I advance, past a wall of pigeon-hole bag storage. The cry of a cicada.

We often hear of how it seems “just like yesterday”. A day five years ago may appear vivid and almost touchable while the meal of last night has been forgotton and discarded into the pool of inconsequence. Time – it is a strange thing. For time, in our minds, follow neither the clock nor the sun. Years fly and minutes stagnate, gears turn and memories flow fresh like cicadas emerging from their deep sleep beneath the earth.

Soft footsteps across the concrete reverberate in the stillness of the warehouse. Sunlight streams in from the left, illuminating in its soft white paths the dancing spectre of dusty currents. Doors open full height into the veranda where a folding table sits open and waiting. Several wooden stools keep company in the balmy late morning. Cicadas sing.

I tread my way through stools and long timber-plank tables running the length of the lofty space, fingertips gently tracing their unpolished straight edges, eyes wandering over the bits and pieces of objects strewn around. A sheet of two millimeter thick white cardboard. A carton of variedly shaped blue foam left over from carving miniature contoured landscape. An improvised glue spray station fashioned from a huge cardboard box. Foam cutting machines with wires now cold and silent. Piled up one above another until they seem to reach the exposed ceiling are cardboard shelves of miniature house models. Derivations, permutations, elaboration, contemplation, evaluation - all part of the life cycle of models, now fallen into the final age of rest and repose.

To the right, dark cell-like rooms. Computers still and silent. A Venetian blind flaps occasionally to an invisible swirl. Stacks of paper. Plans. Maps. Stationary. Name cards. In the dim rays, I try to make out the name. Two rows – one in alphabets and one in Chinese characters. As soon as I fix my glance on one detail it shifts and swims and try as I would the name evades me. The cicada’s song pierces my reverie, and turning around, I begin to wonder why there isn’t a single person here. Almost as if time has stopped, or a different dimension has enveloped this space and separated it from the cicadas, from the honks of the cars, from the distant chatter of passers-by, from the smell of something frying in a pan of sesame-oil.

On the sixth storey of a non-descript building in mid-summer sub-city Tokyo, I realize why I am alone.

....................................................

Memories |2501|01|

2010-07-23T01:36:00.008-04:00

Memories are always beautiful… and sweetly melancholic. The smell of summer on an island in the Seto Inland Sea. The soft pattering of falling snow in winter New York City. Memories are beautiful, but one cannot subsist on them. One cannot eat memories. One lives for the future.

I do not wish to return to any of these memories.

Summer in Tokyo. Shinjuku-ku. Kagurazaka station. Up the stairs and into the bustling sidewalk of suited men and women. Some part-timers shoving tissue packets and restaurant fliers. Sashimi set for cheap. Down the sidewalk, past roaring vehicles and passing strangers. I walk along, alone in singlet and dark blue jeans. The summer morning sun burns across the street. The traffic signal flashes green and people stir to life. Shadows cross for a brief moment.

Tractors are leveling a piece of land. Green mesh and the searing summer morning sun. I turn a corner and infiltrate the back lane where dirty yellow machines fork up stacks of paper and material. I try to get out of their way. The sun mellows a little, shaded by the walls of concrete and plaster. A bicycle whizzes past. A highschool boy with a white Dickies cap, three rings in his right ear and a shirt too big for him, loose and unbuttoned. He glances sideways and turns the corner. The reason why I mention this, is that he appears again in a photo that I would take, much later, with the same Dickies cap, the same loose-fitting shirt, the same navy-blue pants and white sneakers, the same three earrings. And the same glance sideways.

Finally, in the back lane a rusty back entrance comes into view. A step up a two-feet high podium, past the dusty glass swing door and into the murky stairwell which is the service guts of the building I work in. Guests and VIPs use the front entrance, and workers climb six stories up the back entrails every morning. Light filters in through the sixty-year-old dust that cakes and darkens the narrow panes at the landings. Two. Music blasts in through my earphones. Chiba Yusuke of The Birthday throating streams of consciousness that could have been anyone’s life. Perhaps it is because I often start at the same song when I leave my rented room in an equally grimy apartment in Chuo-ku Hakozakicho that results in very often the same song which accompanies my ascent every day up the winding steps. The song is called “Lovers”.

彼女は欲しがる　陽のあたる場所を
僕は望んでる　暗がりの景色
I don't care

Three.

彼女は靴をはく　外に出るために
僕は服を脱ぐ　眠りにつくために
I don't care

Four.

抜けがらの顔した　彼女がさけんでる
マーケット中が　静かに無視する
I don't care

Five. A pair of red handprints beside a badly peeling sign with the numerical “5”. The red handprints appear to slide downwards, as if the perpetrator has finally given up at this point in time. He would climb no more. No more up this place of darkness. No more struggling towards salvation.

二人きりの世界　かすかなミルク色
どこまでもゆこう　あいつも笑うさ

Six. The door lies closed. When I pull it open, the day starts. When I pull it, still breathless from the exertion against gravity, against nature, the day starts. When I pull it open, the day starts.

I don't care

....................................................

And so, good night

2010-04-04T05:07:00.000-04:00

Because I'm Ugly

2010-03-26T08:51:00.003-04:00

It was an intensely miserable day.

So fucking miserable.

My boss asked if I wanna go to this opening party of an interior design firm this evening. He asked yesterday. And today. He said he told them that two people are going. He looked kind of insecure. But I just suck at this kind of things, ok. I felt so intensely miserably bad. I don't know how to say no and I don't know what to do. I fucking hate gatherings of people because I hate seeing people and being seen. I made a prayer for everything to be ok. Then his girlfriend came. I guess that's the answer. In the end she went with him. Gosh, I can't take anymore of this. I'm a fucking antisocial freak, ok. I don't even know how this world works and I get hung up on things that are insignificant to other people. So, I wanted to say I'm so fucking sorry that I am such a freak.

I'll just quietly work my days away. I don't mind. I don't even mind overtiming because I don't have a great desire to go home anyway. The others must be thinking I'm fucking strange and irritating. Staying back late even though I'm just an intern. I get that a lot, all the time, wherever I go. Because they don't understand, at least I belong here, sort of. I have a job to do. It doesn't matter what kind of freak I am, I can do my job right, and I can do it well, and better than a lot of people. I am sort of becoming the spirit of Odagiri Joe in The Uchoten Hotel. Or Toda Erika in BOSS - except that she's beautiful. And Haruki Murakami's protagonist in Dance, Dance, Dance.

And my 'home' - it's a place to sleep. I don't know what to do. I've thought and re-thought and re-examined this for a thousand years. I've come to the conclusion that there are some sad things in this world, and it so happens that I have been destined since the day I was conceived in the womb to become the worst daughter in the history of mankind, and with no guilt whatsoever, and full of guilt, and choked to the eyes in anger, and drowned in a second helping of guilt and anger all mashed up and realizing that the only solution would be to go away. Far away from this gathering of people called family.

By myself, I am almost ok.

I need money. I fucking need lots of money so that I can move out to somewhere decent this time round. I refuse to stay in crappy places and share the bath and kitchen with dozens of people anymore in cheap rentals. Let me become a fully financially indepedent woman and I would reach a state of peace. Almost peace. The most peace I could come within reach of.

So just let me be -

no ties - no feelings - no emotions - no warmth

....................................................

cobain

2010-03-24T11:15:00.003-04:00

Just watched a slew of Nirvana vids. When I'm down and out, which I am, incidentally -

-

I felt something like surprise... when I saw and heard him... I've not listened to Nirvana for ages... but

Then I remember, just how fucking awesome he is. When I'm down and out - incidentally - now

It makes me feel a little

ok

and it seems - i can't even write proper sentences anymore

anyway

it's ok. because

( And starting from here everything is in parenthesis

because, even when it's such a ridiculous stupid world full of ridiculous stupid and insanely shallow minds and lack of minds and flaky nauseating souls - and, most of all

worst of all

worst of all - i fall amongst the rot and am on occasions just as fucking stupid and fucking retarded as all the people around me and all the people I see all around and around and around and everyone i know and used to know and will know

despite not wanting to have any ties to anyone and despite having three or four personalites according to circumstances and place such that

and despite being friendly and amiable to most

despite proclaiming my wish to live like wild grass in the ditch

despite not wanting to have anything to do with anything because

and just live

because

and having examined all these. and happy that i can't write anymore

because i don't believe in words.

- you see - people are so fucking stupid that they believe everything they read, everything they see and everything they like

all the while believing they have some noble values and higher truths - when all they are are products of what they have been fed

so shower me with pity and scorn

I don't give a shit about the opinions of moving volumes of living cells regurgitating the things I already know

I am so bored.

and so - incidentally - down and out - incidentally

but full of conviction, that i will never fall to the level of

things

end of parenthesis )

there's at least cobain. was at least cobain.

I.e. proof that i'm not alone. Thank you.

See you in heaven. Or somewhere.

....................................................

もういいんだ

2010-03-23T10:57:00.002-04:00

像杂草一样就行了

ね、知ってる？もういいんだ

....................................................

笼中鸟

2010-03-22T08:47:00.001-04:00

staring at the sky

....................................................

2010-03-21T06:03:00.002-04:00

This is Taniguchi Tomoko-san, who received me so warmly in her Tokyo office one day in September of '09. Picture taken from an online interview

I brought a box of Ningyou-yaki from my neighbouring street Ningyou-cho as a visiting gift (it was really nice, it was my first time trying it) and she brought out some traditional japanese sweets and we had green tea with the rest (Akihiko, Mai and a new guy).

Taniguchi-san is really really nice. I think she's amazing. I know Japanese people have dual sides but I feel that she is very different. Well, it doesn't matter. Just remembering a late summer's day in this dreary March afternoon.

I'm so glad I'm going to work tomorrow. I just can't stand staying at home. I spent more than half the day sleeping. I fucking hate dying. Rephrased: I'm so glad I've work to go to tomorrow. I don't care, I just need somewhere to go to. And I need an excuse to be a normal functioning society person.

In my chat with Rex some time ago:

i don't even really know what the point is, but I feel a little discouraged these days...
9:56 PM
I'm just really worried that I may nevr find it, because life will get in the way and life-things like making money and maintaining the semblence of a respectable useful person

I met up with Preethi and Fengjuan yesterday, school pals from junior college days. We were talking about stuff - and they think I'm so lucky to know what it is that I wanna do. It appears to them that I am set in this, I really love architecture and what I'm doing. They say that many people, including themselves, are still unsure of what they wanna do. Fengjuan's getting married in China in July. Preethi's flying to India for a three-month training course for her new engineering job.

I met up with Moonteng for dinner on Friday night. She's a secondary school mate. She's working in a hospital now, and seems pretty comfortable with family, friends, love and life here. She says she can't even begin to imagine how I flew to places and just started living there. What about culture shock? Isn't it lonely? How do you find your way around? I told her that I don't mind being alone. She couldn't understand, of course. Well, I just stated my case and looked apologetic because I can't explain myself. Just like how Salvador, the taxi driver landlord in NYC used to keep bugging me with stuff like, you miss your family? And I just basically ignored him. Poor guy. I am really mean at times. He's an emotional storehouse by nature - he blasts latino music out loud at midnight hours just to show that he's in a good mood.

Who would understand if I try to talk about the point?

I'm such a fucking failure, at any rate. I imagine that I'm so much more aware of stuff, when in an instance I could crash and disintegrate and burn in a well of antiquated trashy emotions. Emotions - I don't want them. I'm sure of it. Nothing good ever comes of it. Therefore, I wish to discard it.
....................................................

もういいんじゃないですか

2010-03-15T13:33:00.003-04:00

isn't it good enough

just to be able to wake up and walk in the sun each day

だから

私は大丈夫

2010.3.13 Rikki Tikki Tavi, Singapore

....................................................

2010-03-11T09:39:00.003-05:00

Just poured out all my doubts and insecurities about the future and the point to Rex in France and also in the same place sort of.

And he made it all ok again.

I need that sometimes, I admit. It's called a brother.

I started work today. I don't wanna talk about it, it's not bad, but it's not good. I just keep thinking about the point and I get so sad and worried that I'll miss it and keep on missing it and worse - forget about it.

Do you get it? I know what it is not. I'm still not sure how to be able to do it, but I'll try. And I won't forget. I'm so fucking tired. But I won't forget.

....................................................

2010-03-09T05:44:00.002-05:00

オトナのウソの世界なんか、入りたくねぇーよ。

....................................................

That's not the point. I know it. I'll find it.

It's ok.

2010-03-08T01:19:00.003-05:00

I think men are generally broad-minded. More than me, at least. Sometimes I really get taken aback. I wanna be like that too. But I'm such a fucking dweller on things.

It's like, don't let little things get at you.

I'll try. Anyway, stand up again.

....................................................

beat-angel risa

2010-03-06T12:05:00.002-05:00

I always get Japanese spam in my comments especially for one particular post... and while I was deleting this particular one just now, I saw that the email used was called 'beat-angel.risa'

That amused me for a moment.

I was just reading On The Road these few days....... day in and day out filled with images of beat angel Neal gunning his car down the highways all across America hugging the white line and running through life with his face thrust into the wind.

I was so tired today.

But I know, that I don't care anymore.

I confirmed, that it's ok.

Electric circus... Chiba knows... and I know that maybe it looks so sad to anyone else

but it's ok

....................................................

strange flower

2010-03-02T09:21:00.003-05:00

2010.03.02 my plant

The madness of Neal has blossomed into a strange flower.

....................................................

リンカーン、今元気？

2010-02-26T09:35:00.004-05:00

This is Hasegawa-san's old office plan (which changed the very day I joined his office) which I found in an online interview while surfing to see if he has any new works...

But anyway, can you see the french bulldog sprawled on the floor looking up at us??

Rinkan!!!

I miss you!

リンカーン、今元気？

....................................................

2010-02-26T08:53:00.001-05:00

でもさ－

でもさ

私は知ってるさ

....................................................

empty.

2010-02-26T01:28:00.003-05:00

Went shopping at IKEA this morning with Benson and Fuhan... I totally redid the layout of my room and removed half my furniture just yesterday, so... in the mood of things, I bought a little plant today! With a blue pot. I seem to like that colour a lot.

It now sits in the middle of my room - I like it there.

....................................................

2010-02-24T09:34:00.002-05:00

And Mississippi Gene began to sing a song. He sang it in a melodious quiet voice, with a river accent, and it was simple, just "I got a purty little girl, she's sweet six-teen, she's the purti-est thing you ever seen," repeating it with other lines thrown in, all concerning his life in general and how far he'd been and how he wished he could go back to her but he done lost her.

On the Road, Jack Kerouac

....................................................

Let me live

2010-02-24T06:36:00.007-05:00

....................................................

I bought the VistaQuest VQ1015 Entry today! Finally! After wanting it ever since I saw its little pink cousin last September hanging around the neck of

Jun-Jun-san the Harajuku Boy, and saw the pictures he took with them.

It's a toy digi-cam, complete with a plastic pop-up pseudo viewfinder and no lcd display or functions much.

It's awesome. I really like it. It's about as big as a matchbox and weighs 15 grams. I got it in blue. I really like that shade of blue. You know, the retro-ish kind.

The salesgirl at the shop in Sunshine Plaza tried to talk me into buying another toy digi-cam which is 'newer and gonna be more popular' than VistaQuest... but, as it is, I really do not give a damn. I just want my VistaQuest.

Anyway, since my canon pocket camera which I bought during my freshman year four years ago had announced its retirement gradually over my first few days in Tokyo, I decided to get this... as a replacement...

It has no anti-shake, no flash, no nothing. I love it. I love it so much because it has nothing.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't want anything. I can't explain it. It grew in me when I was in New York, in that 3x3 room with very few things. I don't want to hide anything. It became really strong when I got back. I threw out a lot of things from my room. If I could, I would really like to move out, and stay in a room where I have nothing. But I can't afford it right now. So I'm throwing everything out... one by one. I hope that by next week two cabinets would be gone. Plus my bedframe.

"He has five pieces of furniture: a table with paint peeling off, two outdoor type metal chairs, a single-sized mattress, and a movable clothes rack perhaps from a department store."

I read this yesterday in an article by Yung Ho Chang called Programming Domesticity (one of those dusty articles I deemed interesting enough to be saved over the years). He was describing the home of his former tutor, a guy called Rodney. I've forgotten about this article until I came across it again yesterday. Anyway I was thinking - I would be great friends with Rodney. I'd even move in with him if he lets me. Chang is really interesting too. He rented a walk-up apartment with a friend and the two of them rotated rooms every few weeks and his only possession besides a suitcase he never bothered to unpack was a door which served as a table. I'm envious of his arrangements. And he's a good writer.

Today I sat in a Starbucks in Simei twenty-three train stations away from my home and read articles about Singapore identity and Asian architecture and things like that while drinking green tea. I was at Sunshine Plaza to exchange the faulty VistaQuest I bought yesterday. Then, I didn't know where to go so I decided to float to Simei and pay the East Point mall a visit to check out this building by Tang Guan Bee, but anyway, I wasn't really impressed by it. Who cares what I think, though. It has views to the outside from inside the mall though, which is I guess pretty radical. When was it built anyway? Anyway, I'm never really impressed by things much, which is good I feel. I think once you think something is great then you're done. You are so done. I don't wanna be done.

I am so not done yet. Of course I'm not done. I haven't even started.

And then I become scared. But then, I'll face it if I have to. I'm not a fucking coward.

Anyway, one lives. And things are bound to go, right?

And on the train trips (three in all) I passed time listening to The Birthday's Star Blows album and reading Jack Kerouac's On The Road. Star Blows is pretty good, I didn't like it so much at first, and I thought maybe they've become boring. But after a while I liked more than half of it. And am on pleasant terms with the remainder. My favourite song right now is Little Lilu. I don't know who Lilu is but Chiba I hope you'll meet her again one day. I hope I'll meet Mr ______ again someday too.

And Jack Kerouac the son of a bitch is so good as usual. I really hate him because I think he writes so well, and I am so familiar with the way he writes. He almost feels like an acquaintance. While Kerouac was shooting through Denver and Ginsberg was describing Cassidy's saintly charm ("She says she loves his big cock - so does Carolyn - so do I") the uniformed school kid standing in front of me seemed interested in what I was reading and I thought 'here you go kid, if you wanna write well this is all you have to read.' But later I thought, but then you're just gonna write like that afterwards.

Kerouac knows how to write. He knows and he damn sure is proud of it.

I'm not a writer. If I were, I wouldn't talk about Kerouac like this. I would even say that I don't think Keroauc is such a big deal after all. I would throw away everything I gathered from him. If I were a writer.

Which brings to mind how utterly boring some of the articles I've been reading are. They are clearly not writers. I even suspect if they really know what they're talking about. I could discern no structure, no logical form, no point in the argument and no meaning in the conclusion.

Kerouac would say, but that's not the point! He would then fling all those papers into the Simei evening wind and dig the bars to find himself a pretty girl for the night.

2010-02-20T09:29:00.003-05:00

I just realized that I might be able to catch The Birthday's appearance on TV Tokyo's Japan Countdown an hour later!

GOOD SIGN.

VERY GOOD SIGN.

....................................................

Update: 11:49PM

Watched!!

Haha.

Great.

Cheap thrill.

I ♥ CHIBA

Dear Mr ______,

2010-02-20T06:47:00.003-05:00

How are you?

It's been some time since I last wrote to you.

In that time, I've been to Tokyo and New York and back.

I'm different from before,

but still a little insecure.

I've been changing, and I'm still changing every minute.

I hope that one day, you'll be able to see me again.

When I finally can do something that I want to do

And I can show it to you.

Please continue living till then, Mr _______.

If I can find my way through the thick jungle of mediocrity and missed opportunities,

fallen trunks and rotting debris,

and reach that patch of sunlit territory

Which I spy with my eye yet hangs like a mirage

If I reach it and I can still see

I'll look for you.

....................................................

2010-02-18T11:08:00.002-05:00

――今の時代の空気を反映した作品でもあるんじゃないかと思ったんですが

チバ「いや、それは違うよ。縄文時代に、獣をつかまえるじゃんか。やったと思うでしょ。で、獣をつかまえられなかった日があって、落ち込むじゃない。そういうのはどの時代にもあることなんだよ。時代なんて、関係ない。どの時代に生きてたって、すごく小さいことで怒ったり、落ち込んだり、うれしかったりする。全部あるのよ。だいたい今生きている時代が自分に影響しているなんて、当たり前のことだから。わざわざ言うまでもない。息吸って、酒飲んで、女の子とデートして、そういう普通のことから歌ができるわけで、時代なんて言葉を持ち出すまでもない」

Thanks again, Chiba.

....................................................

FUCK. I'm really down now but fuck it I'll be alright in a while.

I'll be alright in a well.

Three days in a well.

2010-02-18T08:09:00.003-05:00

「あのね、ロックって、ロックを好きな人がやるから、ロックだと思う。だから何をやってもいいんだよ。だって、ロックなんだから。“何がロックか？”って言われたら、わからないけど。と、思うけどね」

- チバユウスケ

Thanks, Chiba.

I suddenly remember what Naito Hiroshi said about how Louis Kahn's Kimbell Art Museum saved him when he lost all faith in architecture.

I think I will lose faith many times.

Like now.

I was just troubling over what to write for dissertation. I was thinking this is so fucking stupid. Who the hell wants to write a fucking dissertation. Who the hell wants to read a fucking dissertation on architecture. I just want to do it. I want nothing to do with school anymore. I fucking hate the place I'm in. Temporally.

I always thought I wanted to something on Southeast Asian architectural identity/heritage... something along that line, because I thought that's the only way to go, to make something out of yourself and create something really original and not just a copying of existing/previous/established/mostly-western models.

But, the more I think about it, the more I read about it, the more I dwell on it, I more I start to think that there is no SEA identity. You can talk about climate -tropical. You can talk about Indonesian or Malay typologies, or Chinese influences and typologies. You can talk about Thai architecture. But they're all really different culturally and physically.

So what about Singapore? I was at a loss as to what I'm gonna do now, so I dug out all the back issues of SA magazine to see if I would be hit with some inspiration. Some of the articles (most, actually) I haven't read before ever, because I really dislike this magazine. I'm not sure why. But it's not half bad, I realized, after scanning through a couple of them. Still, it was bad enough (maybe bad isn't the word) to make me fall to a new mood low after reading. I just don't know what to do with myself, because they're all talking about issues I've always been thinking about and the best speakers among them with the best points still appear to me to miss it. I'm not sure if I'm sad or happy about that. That might mean there's no solution. That might mean there's still a long way to explore. That should be a happy thing. But what if there is no ending? I suspect there is nothing. The more I think about it, the more I think the only thing to do is nothing. Because everything sucks.

I know, that's such a defeatist attitude. Maybe I'm just damn tired today. And these days. Ever since I got back, I wanna go away. Ten minutes ago I decided that this is it, I'm going away as soon as I can. Away from here. I'll never love this place while I'm here. So I'll love it from afar. Even though I'll be lonely, starting again in a place where I know no one. But that's ok. I'm lonely here too anyway.

"The lie of every man to himself"

The Seven Lamps of Architecture - John Ruskin. As part of my flitting low and lack of activity in recent days I've picked up this 1907 edition I found in an antiquarian bookstore in Nottingham '08 and flipped through it. While there's really a lot of things I really don't take too deeply into my heart there are some things that hit me. Like this line above, about truth. And right at the beginning:

"Know what you have to do, and do it"

The previous owner from a hundred years back even underlined this statement boldly in pencil. I guess it resonated in both of us.

But the problem is, Mr Ruskin, I don't know what I have to do.

....................................................

"What is architecture"

"What is regional identity"

"What is a true original style"

I'm not going to bother myself with these things anymore.

"What is the meaning of it all"

Even this one. So hard hitting and pervasive and eternally troubling me.

So, I guess I'll have to come up with some stupid topic for the dissertation I have no interest in writing. But I'll do it. I'll finish school and be done with it.

There was a guy called Suzuki I met in Hasegawa Go's office. Kujo "KJ" Suzuki. I have a really deep impression of him. During an early morning rush to finish a presentation model before the time's up everyone was a little panicky and disorientated and tired after a whole night up but Suzuki just chewed gum and appeared normal and directed the whole scene as to who should do what and what is left.

If I am capable of admiring someone, that would be sort of it. I just wanna chew gum and do what is to be done.

....................................................

I don't know what to say if someone asks me what is the use of architecture.

But sometimes, I like doing it. That's all.

Wish #1: move out

2010-02-18T07:40:00.002-05:00

Wish #2: get out

Wish #3: find myself

Wish #4: love my place

Wish #5: Peace

Wish #5: Peace
....................................................

The careless lie of each man to himself

2010-02-17T04:51:00.001-05:00

....................................................

Philosophy

2010-02-16T12:19:00.001-05:00

....................................................

2010-02-15T13:59:00.003-05:00

I'm so glad I got to meet everyone I've met and come to know.

I'm so glad.

....................................................

2010-02-13T09:10:00.002-05:00

I feel so good right now it's ridiculous.

I've just bathed

And trimmed my brows

And made jasmine tea

and now sipping tea

in a 31 degrees tropical night

feeling the fan-blown wind on my skin

....................................................

9.27.9 吉田喜彦, Gallery Tom, Tokyo

The point is to keep on going (and be the last one standing)

2010-02-12T13:12:00.005-05:00

I think I understand it a little bit

I may not understand it tomorrow

I may not understand it in another ten minutes

But right now, just a little,

Anyway,

the point is to not give up

and not let anything get you down

the point is to smile when you're in the pits

and laugh when you're expected to cry

the point is to keep on standing even when your legs feel like they're going to give

the point is to live

I'm sorry,

but I love myself.

....................................................

1.17.10 Highline, New York City

ode to my friend

2010-02-10T23:12:00.012-05:00

who I think is so peculiar

Darin, who worked as a newspaper boy, cigarette checker, waiter, house framer. Darin, whose middle name is Masao, a fourth generation Japanese American. Darin, a Mormon, from Salt Lake City. Darin, who has eight siblings. Darin, who laughed at my expressions. Darin, who showed me around Boston like a professional tour guide. Darin, who remembered everything I said in Yokohama. Darin, who let me crash at his place. Darin, who loves trains and libraries.

That in his hand is a little snowman we tried to make when I said that I wish we could make one since I've never done it before. Anyway he said it's the ugliest one he's ever seen. ANYWAY. The backdrop is Le Corbusier's Carpenter Center in Harvard University grounds.

But, I think it's awesome cute! My fingers were frozen off cos I took off my gloves and tried to make the head which only materialized after three tries of squeezing the 'wrong type of snow' as he said. Like so frozen and numb I couldn't feel it at all except that it then became throbbingly painful and I was really thinking that's it, I'm gonna lose my hands because of the ugliest snowman in the world.

I guess this is a little summary of my Boston/Cambridge trip during my second last weekend in the USA. I never got to write it down before, so since I'm awfully free these days, floating about and wondering if I ought to be working or something -

When I was in New York, I thought that this is what I would welcome. A period of recharging, back home. But as it is, the heart is such that no sooner had it settled down than it starts to fidget and think of flight. I am so bored. But, I just don't know. I was even thinking if I should go to Kuala Lumpur or something, and find a job there, since it would be a relatively cheap destination considering the exchange rate and the distance from here.

But, I am somehow not very interested in KL. I don't know if I can muster the energy to prepare for a trip whose destination I'm not interested in. Probably not - I am phenomenally lazy. I am so lazy that I sometimes consciously decide to neglect an assignment until the deadline looms so that my mind would work at double rate with a clearer objective. I hate draggy things.

Which reminds me, I consistently wrote essays in secondary school about fifteen minutes or so before submission time well into the lesson with my pen and foolscap paper hidden beneath the table and I scored above average. I don't think I would behave like that anymore, because I am not so confused anymore. Secondary school was so idiotic. I didn't like it at all. I don't like it at all. I'm glad I made it through. Sure, because of the standardized system of secondary and junior college education, I've come to appreciate mathematics. I really think that mathematics is awesome. Every time I was solving a math problem, I felt admiration and wonder at how clean and logical math is and how it seems to probe deeper and deeper into an invisible system of order which lies behind this entire world and our individual existences.

But, what has this to do with what I am doing these days? Even without such an appreciation, wouldn't I have been able to design buildings all the same? Well, sure I would need to be able to do simple stuff like add things up and have an innate instinct as to whether things would stand up or collapse but those details would have to be checked over by the engineer anyway. I do not need knowledge about matrices and differentiation and complex numbers. (I admit they are so super interesting though.) What I'm saying is, people ought to be able to do what they want to. I'm not sure if I would've turned out a better architect if I for example apprenticed myself to a carpenter from age thirteen onwards before taking a university course. I am highly suspicious that maybe I would have. Anyway.

Anyway. I packed my little stuffs into my trusty brown shoulder bag including cookies and cake and a sandwich (I LOVE FOOD) and a little hand-drawn map of the MIT campus and set off to the 125th street station to catch the D train to Grand street, from where I trekked to the Chinatown bus station to take the $1 Lucky Star Bus to Boston. It's a Chinese operation. The bus is probably more than a decade old, and the toilet doesn't flush. Otherwise, it's fine. I like to look out the window on bus trips. A couple of Harvard students (they look like it, or MIT) yakked away a couple of rows in front. I was thinking, I kinda wish I'm studying in Cambridge too, and not just going there for a weekend trip. But as things go, I don't actually care so much... just a passing feeling.

If you ever watched Great Teacher Onizuka, the essential drama serial of the GTO generation (i.e. us), you would remember a girl called Miyabi who visited an elite school to look for her friend and she didn't say so but she was feeling kind of down since she came from a lousy school. Anyway, I really liked Miyabi. And somehow, I always remembered that scene.

Anyway, I reached South Station in Boston after four and a half hours (half an hour was a pit stop at a highway Burger King, with MacDonald's directly opposite). This also happened to be the first day of my period. Perfect timing. I remember telling Seok that I've deposited my blood in toilets all over Europe. And this time, it was a particularly runny one too. Anyway, from South Station I took a train, thinking of going straight to Harvard to check out the area before meeting Darin at Out Of Town News. Lol... it's a quaint meeting place. I like the sound of it. But when the train stopped at MIT station, I decided to hop off and take a look around the campus with its constellation of famous buildings by people ranging from Alvar Aalto to Renzo Piano.

Boston skyline across the frozen river from Cambridge

So I trekked across the snow covered scenery to Baker's House by Aalto because that's the one I really wanted to see - I've kindled an interest for Aalto after seeing some of his stuff while researching for the office -

I'm tired of typing, for now.

What happened essentially was I called up Alex who stays on MIT campus and who offered to show me around when I said I'm visiting and we had coffee and muffins(I LOVE FOOD) and talked about stuff like how I should find and marry a rich guy cos architects are poor

Silhouette of Alex in Aalto's Baker House (it's pretty nice)

We met up again the next day and he went around visiting buildings with me. He even gave me the MIT architecture graduate research book as a gift. I think he kind of assumed I want to apply for either Harvard or MIT, cos he gave me a wealth of information about both, and discussed the pros and cons of each system in detail. Well, I really appreciated it. But, as I told him, I just wanna graduate and be done with school. So, I'm staying in NUS where I'd be done in a year. Sure, I felt a little something in my heart. Like I said, I wished for a little moment that I was part of that place and that life in Cambridge. But, it's just a romantic longing for classic academia. The course in MIT is real tough, as gathered from Alex - I've no doubt that the standard is way above NUS, and it would do anyone good to be there and get grilled to develop into more creative and architectural creatures. But, I'll do it my way. (Sure, said with mock confidence.)

I'll do it my way.

(To the tune of Frank Sinatra's My Way.)

So I spent the rest of the first day with Darin who showed me around like a pro and we watched Avatar 3D and he laughed at all my expressions and we had dinner at a nice little Italian place along his favourite street and talked about Tokyo days and Yokohama jokes and then we had hot chocolate and bought cannoli and tiramisu cake from a popular shop (I LOVE FOOD) and trekked over to the cinema. We walked across a frozen duck pond while he threatened to jump and break the ice and I asked if that happens would we die

So I'm feeling kind of off center now, not knowing what to do this instance, or tomorrow. But it will be ok, somehow.

So I said goodbye to Boston. Darin said catch you later - that's what he always says.

Nice.

Morning view from Darin's apartment

....................................................

no more shadows

2010-02-06T23:31:00.001-05:00

....................................................

Save me, Chiba Yusuke.

2010-01-30T10:45:00.004-05:00

I don't know a single fucking thing and I don't understand a single fucking thing.

Take me away on an easy rider, Chiba.

i dislike old and dusty things.

2010-01-29T06:36:00.004-05:00

Why do I hesitate so much at throwing out all those decade-old letters?

I'm clearing out my room now.

It's hella hard.

It shouldn't be, because I've already decided that I don't want anything.

But I guess, it's cos underneath it all, my subconscious is contemplating the fabric of my existance.

I.e.

What am I, when all physical memories are gone?

Reading these letters again brought memories back into my head - things that I have forgotten till now. And things that I will once again forget until I read them again years later, except that this time, I plan to toss them out - so this may be the last time they would surface.

So, what happens to forgotten memories?

And can I throw away everything and forget everything, and still be.

And still be.

I hesitate too much. That's what separates folk art from avant garde. Baggage.

Goodbye.

....................................................

And like a dream.

Home

2010-01-24T02:58:00.001-05:00

To the land of four subway lines

And where there's bass in my music

....................................................

2010-01-23T19:31:00.002-05:00

In Hong Kong now, transiting.

Survived the fifteen hour Vancouver to Hong Kong flight stuck in a middle seat. I fucking hate middle seats. Between one slightly aloof middle-aged China/HongKong man and one young Singapore/something man. Both don't talk. Not that I mind. I like people who don't talk much.

Anyway, I watched two good movies. I always manage to catch really good movies on flights.

1)Pulp Fiction
2)Public Enemy

Quentin Tarantino is really fantastic.

Time to go.

....................................................

Time to go

2010-01-22T14:04:00.002-05:00

10.01.22, 2:06PM, 148 W 125th St, Apt. 17, New York, New York

....................................................

Ne, Yamamoto-san,

2010-01-21T22:34:00.002-05:00

Today I said goodbye again

To people and places

I'm always doing that

I was so sad, that I don't know how the tears held back until I left and walked down Hudson street

And I don't know how they dried

And I don't know why I was sad, Yamamoto-san

I wasn't even that sad when we said goodbye in Omotesando station that night in Tokyo.

I guess it's because it's all too sudden this time.

Or something.

I don't know much, Yamamoto-san.

Goodbye, New York
Goodbye, Jay Street
Goodbye, Chambers
Goodbye, Harlem
Goodbye, Times Square
Goodbye, Penn Station
Goodbye, Boston
Goodbye, New Haven
Goodbye, Washington
Goodbye, Philip
Goodbye, Darin
Goodbye, David
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

....................................................

2010-01-10T23:12:00.002-05:00

Under the sunset sky

I left Boston

I left Darin

....................................................

四大皆空

2010-01-06T22:51:00.002-05:00

I can't wait

to start

....................................................

2010-01-03T19:03:00.002-05:00

09.12.25 Park Avenue, New York City

....................................................

2010-01-03T16:27:00.003-05:00

裏を見せ表を見せて散る紅葉

-良寛大愚

....................................................

2009-12-31T20:19:00.002-05:00

You know its the holiday season when you have red wine and panettone cake courtesy of your boss.

He like, gave each of us (there's three of us working for him) a bottle of Napa Valley Zinfandel 2005 and a loaf of Panettone cake.

I just had the most fulfilling dinner ever.

I have to stop myself from downing the whole bottle tonight.

I wonder if I'll go to the ball-drop countdown event at Times Square later... but its gonna be super crowded and I hate crowds. But, since I'm in New York City... Well, but I forgot to bring home my umbrella from the office today... I left it to dry after using it in the snow shower in the morning... so, well, I'll see if the weather's good later.

Three and a half hours to year 2010.

I really appreciate my boss. He like, gave me an extra two hundred dollars when he gave me my pay today.

And, before Christmas week, he gave me a card, and when I was opening the card on my way home and reading it someone called me from behind and told me I dropped a note, and it turned out to be a hundred dollar note. I can only assume it dropped from the card when I opened it, even though I can't say for sure. But anyway, I'll assume it's from him. I never managed to ask though.

I think he's so nice. Sure, sometimes I get kinda annoyed when he send me out on errands on freezing days, etc, but, I still really appreciate him. And I appreciate this experience, and this opportunity to live and work in New York City, and see the city like a local. I still think he's a really nice person. Those other two people who work for him regularly insults him behind his back. Regularly is an understatement. They constantly insult him. Especially the woman, calling him stupid, sissy, despicable - the whole slew. At first I was really irritated, but later it turned out that I made friends with them... and it's like, you have to look out for yourself. You don't go around making unnecessary trouble, so, of course, I just become neutral and sympathetic. But, I still think, up till now, that my boss is a really nice person. I respect him. Too bad that he trusts people so much... and those two who work for him are stabbing him behind his back every ten minutes or so. Too bad, and too bad that I can't do anything. I'll do my best for him, though. Even if he never notices or appreciates. I don't care. I will always do my best when I feel it's the right thing to do. And it is. It's because he hired me that I'm able to stay till now. I would have gone home much earlier if he hadn't. Even if the pay is really little, not enough to live here, but, still, it's money. It is still money that belongs to him. And he...

I think it's this divide. Those two people can't grasp the finer parts of human psychology or whatever you call it, I don't know. They think that he is consciously bad. But, I think at times when he is irritating, he just doesn't know it. He is not consciously trying to piss people off. Well, of course I might be the one who's wrong, but I dunno. Maybe I don't care.

And the woman was like "he cut our pay", and "he's got money, look at how he's sending his kids to private school and how he's doing his own apartment", etc etc. But, money is so relative. The economy was slow, that was a fact. And, how do you know how much he has left after sending his kids to private school and purchasing and renovating his new apartment?

It's not like he's your father or anything, you know. He doesn't have to put your comforts above his own.

It's not like you're starving too.

I always think about the homeless people, and how terrible it must be to be out int he streets in winter. Compared to them, you are so rich. So how does it work? Just because you have a house and everything that non-homeless people have, do you think you're rich? It's all...

It's all,

I don't know.

I feel so bad for him. That he doesn't know how it is... I wonder if he even suspects that they hold that attitude towards him. Probably not.

I feel so bad... but,

One has to look out for oneself.

And, he's married... I hope he's happy. I always have this mentality, that if you're married, you have someone to take care of you and be with you in hard times, and it's not so bad. And no matter what, you're not so lonely. I just, don't wish anyone to be lonely. Because, I am always by myself. Somehow, I feel terrible when I think that someone might be feeling loneliness. It's that feeling I had, one day in Tokyo when Dilnur turned his back and walked out of the apartment. I felt that he was so lonely. I can never verify that, of course. But, I feel so terrible, when I think that someone might be lonely and alone in this world. I just think it's terrible, it's so terrible... I wish, that no one would be lonely. And yet, at the end of the day, the person most alone and utterly alone, is myself.

I wish that my boss would be happy. This holiday season, he and his family. No matter how back-stabbed his is, no matter how derogated his is by the people he doesn't suspect and who he probably even hold in good opinion and puts his trust in, no matter how this world is like, I just hope he is happy and it all turns out fine.

It doesn't matter I guess.

Along this road, it's what you make of it, not what other people make of it. And those other people, they probably won't amount to much anyway.

Just because I'm saying all these, doesn't mean I'm such a good person. I'm sometimes a really bad person. Especially when I'm pissed. I was irritated too like I said when my boss makes me do seemingly demeaning things like running errands. And I get real pissed with my landlord, very often, cos he's so long-winded.

And I often think that people are stupid.

Well. I wonder.

What's the purpose of this post? To say that I've the most fulfilling dinner ever, and I'm drowning in red wine.

....................................................

Only time will tell if I will become a good or successful architect. All I'm doing now is building general experience. I feel that it's a long road. Of course, it's a long way to go. But, this experience, it is part of the road. This is what I tell myself when I'm feeling depressed that I'm not getting much opportunity to do design work. I'm mostly doing other types of work in the office, like changing plans etc. But, it's part of it. I can understand this. I'm always not too confident when it comes to whether I can do good design in the end. But it's not the end yet. Not near, at any rate. So, I'll keep on walking.

By God's grace.

2009-12-30T20:13:00.002-05:00

It's New Year's Eve tomorrow... I just realized.

I nearly forgot.

....................................................

Hey Olan, where's the sculpture downtown?

2009-12-29T22:43:00.002-05:00

....................................................

2009-12-24T21:00:00.002-05:00

Impossible is nothing.

Let's not be afraid anymore.

Let's look ahead,

in the airtight submarine,

oblivious to dangers

and obstacles

as if we were never hurt

as if we don't know fear

as if we are sure

that we would reach

that place we really want to go

where there is no more darkness.

....................................................