I felt so broken tonight, Father.
I lied crying on my floor.
It will be a new day tomorrow, a new beginning.
Thank You so much for each day.
Please save me, Father...
....................................................
posted by sj @ 10 February 2012 11:00 PM | permalink |
I just took a hot shower, and I feel much better now.
The tears they just came, on my way back and in my room.
I prayed to Him that if He knows the reason for my sadness,
please save me
Please save me, Father.
....................................................
posted by sj @ 23 January 2012 10:38 PM | permalink |
"Why do it if you're not having fun?"
....................................................
posted by sj @ 10:37 PM | permalink |
On my bed now, light dimming in the room. Sun sets at 4:14pm in december boston. My room is a mess. I'm going to clean it up, brighten it up, make it nice and beautiful this winter break. I'm also going to get better at grasshopper. I'm also going to try and become a better person. I'm also going to straighten up my life.I'm going to gather all the pieces of these four months since I came and put them together again.
At my desk now. The sun has set. The room is dark. My lights came on. I don't like to go out and about after the sun has set. I'm a sunlight person. I feel like a hibernating creature.
I'm going to straighten up my life. And it's going to start from my room. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next, but it will happen. It's a total mess now. It will happen.
I will buy a bright, colourful rug. It will brighten up the room.
~整個冬天在你家門~
....................................................
posted by sj @ 20 December 2011 4:19 PM | permalink |
like clay
He saves me
as I lay broken
like pieces of clay
....................................................
every single mistake
magnifies itself
such that it ends my world
and stops time
it cuts my wrists
it tears me open and
it ends my world
as i lay broken
He saves me
He saves me
I need to see
I need to be strong
and see
that it is not the end
that the sun shines tomorrow
and He will hold my hand
posted by sj @ 11 December 2011 11:48 PM | permalink |
执着
I'm not going to give up
I'm going to go on
Please help me, Father
....................................................
He saves me everyday, from the Devil
And I can feel the darkness
so close
I long for His hand
posted by sj @ 11:13 PM | permalink |
The one advantage of walking home at 4am:
No one on the streets to see tears streaming down your face
....................................................
posted by sj @ 08 December 2011 9:21 PM | permalink |
难过
哭
像镇定剂
每晚
还需要多久
哪一天，心不再难过
....................................................
我把梦告诉了你
脸上的表情我读不明白
夜太黑太冷
等待早晨
神さま
请给我多一次机会
每一天
多一次机会
请你救我
我迷失方向
迷失方向
真的，真的好伤心
posted by sj @ 28 November 2011 8:12 PM | permalink |
I bumped into a couple of girls from the third floor while brushing my teeth... and it really cheered me up... they are so nice, and that one girl is so bubbly and cute, we talked about horoscopes and stuff, and she said I'm so 多愁善感, so I probably have a hidden Pisces, etc etc. I'm happy for now. We kept laughing too.
I'm a strong and independent woman. But I can't help it that it gets hard at night. I'll allow that one weakness for now. I'll forgive myself for that. I'll work hard in the morning, tomorrow. I'll do my best.
I cried so hard earlier, on my floor in my room. I actually had mascara on today, and it ran. I bought nail polish yesterday too. Maybe I'll wear a t-shirt tomorrow. I'm getting more and more honest, telling people how I feel.
I visited the Fine Arts Museum to look for inspiration, it was free for Harvard students. I was surprised. That's good. I found this courtyard, the garden. It's so beautiful. It might be my favourite place. When you look up, it's the blue-ness, and criss-crossed with fading white lines. And the albatross circling. きっとシミュレーションと思った。 The birds were chirping and diving. I found inspiration.
I looked but I couldn't find. I couldn't. But I won't give up. I love You. I hold on to You. You are the only one keeping me alive. I scrape through the night. I will be strong in You. In You.
....................................................
posted by sj @ 27 November 2011 1:22 AM | permalink |
Father, please be with me...
Thank You so much...
....................................................
posted by sj @ 26 November 2011 1:57 AM | permalink |
It's ok, one doesn't have to be sad
one can have a mind like a clean slate
one can be like the little yellow flower
one can live and breathe and smile
one can look forward to tomorrow's sun
....................................................
posted by sj @ 24 November 2011 4:06 PM | permalink |
They meet at 25°
and then they part
....................................................
じゃ、また
posted by sj @ 12 November 2011 10:42 PM | permalink |
broken
i've gone from vacuous to broken
i don't even know how to go on.
i'll go to sleep now
when the morning comes, i'll wind up like a machine, wind up like a machine
I'll go on
Please save me, Father.
....................................................
posted by sj @ 09 November 2011 9:37 PM | permalink |
Vacuous
You know how Naoko spent her time in the wig factory,
making wigs
day in and day out
in Norwegian Wood
I am essentially a wig girl.
You know?
But here I am, pretending to be
-
....................................................
posted by sj @ 07 November 2011 9:22 PM | permalink |
I'll just take it like
it's a miracle I'm still alive
and it is
it is
....................................................
posted by sj @ 06 November 2011 9:18 PM | permalink |
Morning, please
Because I am so cold
and shivering so hard
....................................................
Father,
When will I be forgiven... when will I find forgiveness,
Father?
posted by sj @ 8:56 PM | permalink |
But it's too late, I told Phi yesterday.
1. The world is everything that is the case.
2. What is the case (a fact) is the existence of states of affairs.
3. A logical picture of facts is a thought.
4. A thought is a proposition with sense.
5. A proposition is a truth-function of elementary propositions.
6. The general form of a proposition is the general form of a truth function, which is: [,
, N(
7. Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
I remembered when the Tractatus made so much sense to me. I thought that he understood everything. That was some years ago. I changed so much. But I still think it is brilliant.
Recently, I think more and more that philosophy is like a dog chasing its own tail. But I still think it was brilliant.
But I don't want to be a philosopher, Wittgenstein.
I don't care about things like that anymore.
I just want to be happy.
....................................................
posted by sj @ 31 October 2011 9:24 PM | permalink |
HimAWArI
歌：安室奈美恵 作詞：小室哲哉 作曲：小室哲哉
せめて昨日よりも
救って ちょっとだけ
愛とかじゃなくていい
ぬくもりだけでいい
はじめて1人で住みだした
この部屋 いろいろ通りすぎていった
ひまわりが似合う日ざし
いつからか カーテン 閉じたままの暗闇
写真も電話も何もかも
まっ白に塗りつぶせたなら
ノックする人も変わるかな
誰とも 見ず知らずになるかな
どんな夢が似合ってたかな？
どこに行けば 夢かなうかな？
この気持ちは 北風に舞う
枯葉とともに 冬をさまよう
去年の冬はまだ 寂しさがほんとうに
こんなに こわくなくて
強がって いられた
あなたは ひまわりのよう
夏の陽に 空へ向かって
手をひろげた 笑顔 一番すてきだから
この場所のままじゃ 寂しすぎ
この街のにおい しみついて
やさしさに 出会えたこともある
やさしさを あげたこともある
この場所から 離れられない
もうどれくらい 同じ道のり
歩いた だけどむなしすぎる
教えて 誰か 優しいベッド
....................................................
I feel really broken tonight
But don't take my words seriously
because I'll still smile when I meet you
and I'll still watch the rain fall on the bathroom floor
posted by sj @ 7:31 PM | permalink |
"I would walk through a tunnel of fire"
明日になったら
もう大丈夫
うれしいなら笑って
悲しいならそのままで
それだけでいいんかな
かみさま、わたしのこと、すくってください
こんなわたしですけど
ゆるしてください
Thank You, Father
....................................................
posted by sj @ 18 October 2011 9:42 PM | permalink |
きめたこと
もう大丈夫
明日になったら、あなたに会えると
うれしくなって
もう装わない
もう隠さない
....................................................
posted by sj @ 17 October 2011 10:27 PM | permalink |